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- [Music]
- okay a man is not a financial plan let
- me say it again
- a man is not a financial plan and it's
- not because prince charming doesn't
- exist I'm still a believer it's because
- if we as women don't empower ourselves
- with the knowledge and the confidence to
- make our own financial decisions we're
- robbing ourselves of that opportunity
- we're sabotaging ourselves and we're
- sabotaging our futures and it's up to us
- individually and in our many roles in
- the home and in the community
- to change that message ladies in the
- audience how many of you have been told
- darling you are so pretty I hope you
- marry well I was and that's fine right
- it's socially acceptable there's nothing
- wrong with that statement but what that
- statement is really saying is passed the
- buck to somebody else who couldn't do a
- better job managing your life than you
- can that's what that's really saying but
- by passing the buck in this socially
- acceptable way we're again robbing
- ourselves of the opportunity not only to
- make financial decisions but to make
- decisions about our families and our
- careers because like it or not all of
- those aspects of our life are
- intertwined with our finances once we
- begin to tell ourselves that narrative
- that we are not in control of our
- finances we open the door for somebody
- else to tell a different narrative we
- open the door for somebody else to tell
- us how to control our lives when we
- passively say I can't we let that seep
- into our personality we let it seep into
- our self-confidence our self-reliance
- and our self-image now you might say
- that's a stretch that girl is being way
- too dramatic about this but I'm not
- because if you think about it all of the
- decisions that we make or most anyway
- are intertwined with finance the house
- that you live in the job that you choose
- the career that you choose the
- neighborhood that you live in whether or
- not you want to
- expand your family all of those
- decisions have financial consequences
- and because this has such broad impact
- this message is true for women of all
- ages and all economic backgrounds but
- today I want to talk about this from my
- perspective and that is the perspective
- of pardon me
- allergies that's the perspective of a
- mother a daughter a sister a friend a
- business owner and a financial
- professional and what I've observed in
- each of those roles over the past
- several years is that believing that a
- man is a financial plan or believing
- that you should or need to subordinate
- your financial control to somebody else
- is the number one cause of what I call
- the bag-lady syndrome I went through if
- you if you look up images for the
- bag-lady there are some that I mean
- they're all depressing but this one I'd
- to find one that like I don't know
- there's a lot anyway okay so what is
- what is the bag-lady syndrome
- what is the bag-lady syndrome it is the
- utterly paralyzing fear that you will
- someday have to make some financial
- decision on your own and you'll be
- unable to it's the utterly paralyzing
- fear that you will be destitute on the
- side of the road eating cat food
- literally the bag lady I've heard it
- said a million different ways and that
- is the exact phrase that I hear from my
- clients women's just women just like you
- and just like me who hit a bump in the
- road whether it's a divorce or it's a
- death in the family their life is
- upended and they are scared to death
- that they're going to have to make a
- financial decision and they're scared
- they're scared that they're going to
- become the bag lady so again I'll ask
- you in the audience who here knows
- somebody whose spouse has died suddenly
- everybody right who here knows somebody
- who's been through a really nasty
- divorce or just a divorce any divorce
- doesn't even need to be nasty they're
- all bumps okay so this story is gonna
- sound pretty familiar to all of you then
- several years ago a woman came into my
- office for help with financial aspects
- around a divorce she was in her early
- 50s she had been married for 23 years or
- so and her husband was leaving her for
- the
- your younger female etc same old story
- in this case though there were also
- several lawsuits involved and there are
- also hundreds of thousands of back taxes
- that were due that she had do that she
- didn't realize were there from her
- perspective she was living the highlife
- she had the big house she had the club
- memberships the gym memberships the big
- vacations the whole bit so from her
- perspective everything was fine
- it was my fantastic job after looking
- over all the numbers to explain to her
- that the life that they had been living
- was literally based in sand that it was
- an illusion and this was a surprise to
- her she assumed that because she had
- played the role of the perfect corporate
- wife and she had assumed that because
- she'd spent enough hours at the gym and
- that the kids were fed and everybody was
- healthy that everything was fine but in
- reality she assumed and she never asked
- and one thing that I've learned over and
- over again over the past several years
- is that assumptions are absolutely the
- mother of all massive screw-ups that are
- out there it's very true and this case
- is no different she assumed and she
- didn't ask so I met with her several
- times over the course of the next
- several months and as I got to know her
- better and see how genuinely astute she
- really was and felt more comfortable
- with her I asked why didn't you ask why
- didn't you dig a little bit deeper even
- casually into what was going on with the
- finances especially when you started to
- feel like things were going south why
- didn't you ask were you afraid that he
- would say no were you afraid that he
- would say it's none of your business or
- that he would say you're stupid or laugh
- at you were you afraid that you'd be
- unattractive or somehow it would create
- a conflict any of those things
- and her answer not surprisingly was all
- of the above she had become so
- conditioned to thinking that these
- topics were not her concern she was so
- used to being told don't worry your
- pretty little head about that that she
- took that pretty head and she stuck it
- right back in the sand again she
- literally it wasn't just that she lost
- confidence in her financial abilities it
- was that it was even worse she had
- actually mentally relinquished financial
- control of her life I know that sounds
- deep and I'm
- it was her money too it was her family
- it was her future she never asked she
- just assumed and she would say to me
- over and over again and it was so
- upsetting to hear she'd say I am so
- stupid where money is concerned and I
- hear that so frequently and it just
- wasn't true she was there and is very
- very bright she just chose not to stay
- informed she chose not to be aware and
- in doing so she silently let someone
- else take that positive position her for
- financial ruin and that's exactly what
- you would have expected so the story
- ended as you expect the divorce went
- through kids are fine they kept moving
- on and unfortunately my client was left
- with a pretty solid financial mess that
- we've spent the last few years trying to
- fix the only upside of it is that she is
- now much more financially aware than she
- was all those years ago now is it
- surprising that when her husband left
- that she was actually that she doubted
- herself no it's completely fair of
- course she's gonna doubt herself is it
- surprising that that self doubt fed on
- itself when her life was upended no not
- at all completely fair so I wasn't at
- all surprised when she said to me I am
- scared to death of being a bag lady now
- I'm sure you all have similar stories
- this isn't a surprise in fact it's
- practically a cliche it's unfortunate
- but it's true and what I find the most
- amazing is that with all the strides
- that women have made over the past
- decades socially politically
- professionally our confidence where
- money is concerned has barely edged up
- there's plenty of studies to show it our
- confidence has barely moved and to be
- fair fear and doubt are absolutely okay
- fear and doubt are necessary they're
- important when they motivate but they
- can also be absolutely paralyzing and
- the only one that can stomp out that
- fear whether it's by asking questions
- being aware or demanding information is
- you it's never too late in the game to
- take the reins yourself or when it's
- appropriate to ask to share the reins
- with a partner
- staying informed and aware is imperative
- to avoiding the bag-lady syndrome Wow
- okay so you might be saying this is
- depressing why do they come back from
- lunch for this is she telling me I
- shouldn't get married that I shouldn't
- trust my husband that the bad guys
- really are out to get me no I'm not
- saying that at all what I'm saying is
- knowledge is power
- does anybody here remember GI Joe from
- the 1980s cartoon Fame does anybody
- remember what his motto or message was
- net anybody okay now I know and knowing
- is half the battle right that was GI Joe
- I used to watch a lot of GI Joe had
- friends with brothers so does anybody
- remember Barbies motto she doesn't have
- one it's time to change the message
- so if we want a different vision vision
- is the second component of kicking the
- bag-lady syndrome so I have another
- story for you this one is a little bit
- more positive okay so I've been working
- with a woman on her financial plan for
- several years and she would commit me as
- she let me give you a little background
- she is divorced and remarried has three
- successful grown children she's
- successful in her career she's
- professionally respected respected in
- the community just an overall wonderful
- person but she was miserable absolutely
- miserable she had worked for the same
- company for 20-plus years and it seemed
- as though that company did everything
- that they could to make her miserable to
- undermine her and to make hurts
- basically to push her to the point where
- she just wherever it was that was gonna
- be her breaking point and she was
- miserable so she would come to my office
- for our meetings and she would cry and I
- would cry we've cried together and then
- I would say to her why don't you just
- leave you have the skills you have the
- connections you have the opportunities
- why don't you leave why don't you start
- your own thing move to a different
- company what there's lots of
- opportunities out there for you and she
- would say what if I fail she was scared
- to death of failure she said I might be
- miserable but this misery that I know is
- better than the misery that I don't know
- I'm so afraid that I might fail so if
- you picture this this is like a lot of
- folks that you know for 20-plus years
- she put her head down she worked she
- went to every part of me she went to
- work she raised her kids she did exactly
- what she was supposed to do she couldn't
- even let herself imagine another future
- because she was playing the role that
- she needed to play but it was time so we
- discussed it and she started to make a
- plan she looked at her various
- weaknesses and strengths she sought out
- outside guidance we identified and
- managed various risks she created a
- timeline and little by little as we'd
- meet to discuss her evolving plan you
- could see she was getting happier
- stronger stronger backbone straighter
- backbone and it was just fantastic and
- we stopped crying together and the day
- that she opened her business the light
- in her eye was never brighter than I had
- ever seen it and it was just fantastic
- so what's the message from that story
- quit your job and get
- small business loan right that's it no
- it is a plans inspire vision hopefully
- that's next slide yes so this lady
- always possessed the appropriate
- professional skills
- she had the skills she had the
- connections but she was so afraid of
- failing and of being the bag lady that
- she was unwilling or unable to take that
- chance she couldn't see anything else
- she led her employers to find her path
- and once she started making a plan and
- addressing any of the weaknesses that
- came out of that her confidence soared
- and her vision took shape having a
- vision and a plan whether it's yours or
- one that you craft with a partner is
- essential to kicking the bag-lady
- syndrome and I know I know the whole
- idea of writing down a plan sounds
- really trite and really boring because
- plan is a four-letter word of course so
- I have another question actually and
- that is who out there has actually been
- asked to put together a 5-year plan
- either when you graduated from college
- okay Oh awesome a lot of people it's a
- good audience okay I was asked to do
- that when I graduated from college and I
- did I mean I didn't just do it my type-a
- self went all at it I had it all figured
- out
- and when I look back at it it's comical
- because the plan that I put back
- together or put together back then looks
- nothing like the life that I live right
- now nothing like it but what I but what
- I did not do is toss the concept of that
- plan out the window when life threw me
- curveballs I use that plan as a point of
- reference to figure out where am I now
- and where do I want to be and to help
- get from point A to point B and what
- I've learned many times over from
- crafting wreak rafting and recreating my
- own plan and what I've observed
- professionally from other women who have
- done the exact same thing is that having
- a plan like having knowledge is
- essential it is half the battle having a
- plan helps you to deal with life's
- surprises it helps you it helps you to
- make changes and to pivot when necessary
- without a plan it's like you're trying
- to walk through plouf mud when you have
- a plan you have visibility and you're
- better able to to change without losing
- focus of your goals it also allows you
- to be willing to make changes
- to take chances which allows you to add
- new skills and new people and new
- dimensions to your path it allows you to
- ask yourself the question what if and
- that is what avoiding the bag-lady
- syndrome and not assuming that a man is
- a financial plan is all about its being
- able to ask what if without fear of what
- that answer might be it's saying I am
- the plan and I've got this
- [Applause]
-
[Music]
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