you go to the cash register three cash registers are open all
with a long queue
now the existential question naturally
arises at which queue at which cash register you will
stand
You decide which clubs to go to and how
could it be otherwise that
you catch the slowest one again because
right now
the cashier has to wait for the cancellation key from the branch manager
because he scanned a can of dog food twice
I think
we all know such a situation and we also know our reaction
maybe they frustrate or
upset us and also in other areas of
life, whether in partnership
with friends Gen or in the
family there are situations to which we
like to react angrily, where we
perhaps don't feel noticed or
valued and I think it's
quite normal that we people with anger
or that we people feel angry sometimes
feel it and have so-called negative
feelings the question is do we
always have to react the same way or is
there another possibility and
i brought you a model today
i call it the milk carton model why
it is so hot we will come to that later
and with this model we can look
at the other side so much i would like to
tell you it's about
personal responsibility for what we
feel for our
feelings mostly it goes like that we experience
something outside e.g. our
partner forgets the anniversary and we
react to it, for example by you
being offended,
we draw relative conclusions from that automatically
the outside is responsible for
how I feel inside what I feel
we If I change the outside then
the cause is gone and I'm fine again
that's how we learn at least most
people and that's how we behave
every day and I brought you an
example today from julia
julia has three dates today once
with maria with armin without torsten
julia has a first date with maria
the trigger is julia is too late
maria maria's feeling is she is sad
when julia comes is her
reaction she closes herself off a
bit and their breakfast is their
breakfast together not the
big hit because she's struggling a bit with
her feelings that's
the first situation at noon she
meets armin a work colleague
same trigger she's too
late again for from armin he's angry and
when julia arrives he yells at her and
says what a shame that she
comes too late and leaves the meeting
room we'll do it again and
returns in the evening meets you e yes
thorsten same same trigger you are
late in that she is relatively reliable
and
thorsten does not feel happy
that she is late but that he has a short
time to catch his breath
and when julia arrives it has no
influence on the fact that she was late and
the two spend a nice
evening
you see it was three times the
same trigger for being late and
three completely different reactions
now the question naturally arises
who is doing the feelings of the 3
can julia the sadness in maria the anger in
armin and the joy plant in
torsten what you think
is possible i think
it's impossible
i think julia doesn't make
the feelings of the three of them but the three of them
decide
unconsciously what they feel and as a result that
would mean each one
100 percent themselves responsible for
what he feels if the 1000
would bear the responsibility
there have to be with the same au
ssolver the same feelings arise
and even more importantly the feeling is
in us in our body our
series our spirit so it arises in
us so we can only be
the originators of the feeling and that
is the first of three points which
I I want to give you home with me today
everyone is
responsible for what they feel that the outside
is only the trigger that the outside can be a
person or a situation and the
outside puts his action his statement
as if on a limit and i have the
symbolization of this limit brought a rope
and this such an imaginary
hurry always between people who
meet who are in communication and
at this limit the sender depends on
what you communicate or what he does
and when i once looked for a symbol in a workshop
for what what the
transmitter stops i looked for an object in the room
and the first
thing that came to my hand was
milk bag from the coffee bar and since
then this model has been called the milk
bag model
if the sender has something positive
here at the border
then we as receivers have
two options for reacting we can
be happy we can be grateful
for what is there or we could be
also just as exciting to be frustrated
the sender doesn't have the power if that's
there what i take on it as a
receiver if the sender
puts something down
that we think is negative we again have two
reaction options we can react
to it with joy as the receiver
or we can can offer be frustrated
be offended or of course
neutral
also in this case the sender does not have
the power and the influence on how
reacts what happens in me
our reaction when something is in the middle
it usually happens in
milliseconds and completely automatically and
we have because we have the feeling it
happens to me i ka nn don't do
anything about it because the sender
puts something positive or negative there
then i have to react like this if that's
the case then we will be delivered without any possibility of
change because the
sender is responsible for
how i feel
but in truth we just need each other
ourselves to react differently and
that's the good thing about it we don't have
to wait for the channel we don't have to change
the channel and we're not
dependent on the channel
and that's the second point I
want to take home with you today
no matter what the sender what others put in this
middle you have the freedom whether and
if so what you take from it
what you take in from it this model of
these thoughts often
confuses who bears the responsibility
for what we feel away from the
guilt of the stupid cashier the stupid
weather julia who is late again
added us to
personal responsibility and if i from
the
I tell you about this model, whether in my practice or in lectures or workshops, then I keep hearing many interesting questions and I brought four of them with me today
and would like to share them with you.
The first question is does this model always apply?
In my eyes, the
model always applies when adults
meet voluntarily
that doesn't apply to psychological
or physical violence of course i can
chop off someone's finger and then tell them
you this is your pain it's your
body
i'm out of it it's difficult and it's the
same with children it's quite
important that it doesn't apply between
adults and children ca
n't leave my main five-year-old child at
home at night and then comes home
sometime at three o'clock in the morning
the child is completely destroyed
disturbed anxious and i said yes
the little one i'm sorry but is
introduced is with you the man sleep
so please only between adults
the second question is and since that is often
why there is outrage wieland yes
the sender has no responsibility because
i now have to endure and endure
everything the sender puts there of course
not the sender also has a
responsibility in communication or
in encounters between people
there are beneficial and obstructive
statements and behavior and the
responsibility of the sender is that it
sticks to the beneficial ones
the only problem will be that he
doesn't always succeed because he doesn't want to,
because he can't or because he has a
different evaluation that the sender
might have something he puts it there
rated as positive and i as the recipient
as negative and the stupid
thing is then the statement or the action is there
, we can no longer change
it, but what we can change is our
reaction, how we react to it
and if the sender always does something what
constantly hurts it doesn't
mean that I have to swallow it, it's
g it's important to get in touch and
communicate by
expressing my needs, my feelings, showing him
what it's doing to me,
maybe setting limits or drawing conclusions,
but today with the model, it's
not my concern to look at the broadcaster's
side because that's
what we do every day by constantly outsourcing the responsibility for
what's inside us what how we feel
emotionally to
the weather to politics to the stupid
boss if the partner to the partner
it's always about what can I do
to help it myself i feel better
and i have full responsibility for
that the third question is why do we react
so differently in the example of
these three in my eyes we react
so differently due to our
quite individual life story with
the abilities we take with us
but also with the injuries and
sore points
and maybe you know the
statement he pressed my button kt and it’s
exactly these buttons
and i don’t think there is anyone
at least i have not
met anyone who has nothing in their
backpack with them from their
history
and depending on what is in this backpack
we react differently
to different triggers or to the
same ones trigger when we look at armin for
example armin was the one who
reacted angrily he grew up
with his mother with three siblings
she was a single parent he
has a full-time
job and completely overwhelmed with all the tasks and
she forgot a lot she
forgot him that to give
him lunch she forgot to sign him up for the school camp
she forgot that he had
a theater performance where he played the
leading role and armin liked
it that much they don't appreciate me
who has i'm not important and
if someone is late today e.g. as a
trigger
then exactly this old and
processed wound is touched when e r
would understand that julia in that
case or all other people is very
easy to touch this sensitive point
and he would think about his life story
or and he would also
think about his life story
then there would be a chance that he
would react differently as long as he found the
solution and looks for the cause on the outside
and does not recognize that it
actually only has something to do with his backpack for
so long he will always have to
react angrily to such triggers and
that is the third point that I
would like to share with you today depending on
our life story, we react
differently what lies at the
limit in this milk carton the
fourth and last question very interesting
means that i should no
longer feel my feelings if i take responsibility
for them of course not it is
very important to feel the feelings the
icy need that a feeling has
feeling of becoming what we do we
take the mind with us but the w
we will find the solutions and if we
really feel the feeling
then it will eventually work if we do
n't feel it then we save ourselves
somewhere or pack it
in our backpack and that's
why it doesn't mean that i
take responsibility for what happens to him here
that i suppress but what
can change through this model
is that i no longer use the energy to work through
the sender
wanting to change it
to criticize it but to
look at myself and remember it
ok yes the feeling is in me i did
it how does it feel so far
my thoughts on self-
responsibility for our feelings if i can take the three
sentences home are
that the three mentioned firstly
everyone is responsible for
what they feel secondly it doesn't matter what other